rambles

Rod aka bytheshore - I Saved Stone Gossard's Life

DISCLAIMER: This story is strictly for entertainment purposes only! It is definitely amusing, if not downright side-splitting. But no matter how much we would like to believe it, it's not true in any way, shape, or form. The views of Rod do not necessarily reflect the Stoney G. Fan Club or any of it's members opinions. By viewing this page, you hereby agree to this policy, and therefore understand it.

You may have already read how I came up with the title "Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town," and I'm sure you were quite entertained and amused. Now I will tell you how I saved Stone Gossard's life.

It was a rainy spring day back in 1996. That morning I had decided to mix Frosted Flakes and Fruit Loops in the same bowl. The results were not favorable. This left me feeling down. I set up the chessboard and began to practice my moves when the phone rang "riiiiing" (the sound of the phone). "HELLO?" I asked (is hello a question?); anyway, it was Stone - "Hey man, I'm going down to the guitar store, you wanna come?" Did I wanna go? Yes, yes I did. I met up with Stone and told him about my cereal experiment. He told me about the time he mixed Rice Crispies with Special K and that it was good. I told him that that wasn't a bold mix because those cereals basically taste the same. He seemed offended by my comment and he didn't talk to me for a few minutes. We finally got to the guitar store and were greeted by an over-zealous salesman "Hey guys - whoa! Are you Stone Gossard?!!" The guy said, looking at me. "No, but he is," I responded, pointing towards Stone who was already off towards the Fenders. "Wow. Stone Gossard in my store. My wife will not believe this one, let me tell ya, she....." I drifted off as he spoke to me, occasionally smiling and/or nodding.

I could hear Stone playing so I walked over to him. "Sounds nice," I said, "What song is that?"

"Oh just a little something I like to call 'Even Flow'."

I was puzzled. "But you already wrote a song called 'Even Flow'."

"I call all my songs 'Even Flow.' It's fun to say 'eeeevvennn flooooowww", he said, in a strange display. This reminds me of the time when he and I, mike, Jeff, and Ed smoked some pot and ran naked through a car dealership, but that's a story for another time. Anyway as he was playing we heard a commotion at the front. The store was being robbed. "Shit," Stone said. "Shit shitty shit shit." That was his favorite curse word. "What do we do?" I thought for a second. I peeked around a display of guitars. There were two masked men. One of them menacingly holds a drumstick over his head, ready to strike, and the other armed with a ukulele. "Dear god, he's got a tiny guitar," Stone said. He was scared of the ukulele for some reason, he told me once, but I soon forgot. The robbers took some money and picks from the front and then came towards us. The robber with the drumstick did an impressive beat on a drum display as he walked towards us. Stone froze. "Shite," he mumbled. I knew he was scared bad because he added that 'e' to the end of shit.

"Give me your wallets," the robber says, "And your belt," the other one added to Stone. Stone wore nice belts. Stone didn't move. "Are you deaf man, I said your wallet and your belt." I had already handed over my wallet, though reluctantly as I had a coupon for a free sub in there. The thought of these guys eating that sub sickened me. "I won't ask you again," but Stone didn't move. This was going to get ugly. From there everything seemed to go in slow motion. The first robber drew his drumstick back and advanced towards Stone. I grabbed two symbols and crushed his head between them. The second robber started playing the ukulele - badly. Stone went down quick, holding his hands over his ears.

"Nooooooo!" I yelled. I picked up a bass guitar that had been sitting next to me and swung it wildly, barely missing the guy. He continued playing - even worse now, I could see Stone's head exploding - I hadn't much time. I grabbed some of the picks form the floor that the first robber had dropped and began flicking them madly at the robber. They hit him violently one in the neck, one in the eye, and finally, the one that put him down, right between the eyes. Stone was rushed to the hospital and treated for exposure to bad ukulele playing. The robbers got 3 years for attempted robbery and bad choice of weapons. And me, well I went back to mixing cereal, looking for that perfect mix. Haven't found it yet.