rambles

RUMOR KILLER - **IF I RAN SYNERGY…**

While we’re all waiting for the mailman to bring us our EASTER single, it got me to thinking. Thinking of “what if’s”. What if my Easter single came today? What if C-A-T spelled DOG? What if Mike McCready’s name was Stone Gossard and Stone’s name was Mike McCready? What if, what if, what if….

So then it came to me… what would the ol’RK do IF the ol’RK RAN SYNERGY… just for a day… what would I change, what would I make different, how would I run the official Pearl Jam site?

Well, first things, first. What each of us must understand is that Synergy is of course administered by our two favorite webmasters of KAT and SEA… (in MOD we trust). And they do a wonderful and thankless job and none of us, I’m sure, would ever venture to permanently put them on the unemployment line. That’s the last thing any Pearl Jam fan should have to endure! So let’s think of my “takeover” of Synergy as just a vacation day for KAT and SEA. They went out to enjoy the beautiful day and play Frisbee or play LASER TAG at the local arcade… all good clean American fun.

Next, it must be understood WHERE Synergy is administered. Remember the movie “WAR GAMES” starring Matthew Broderick? Remember the building built into the mountain, NORAD? Well, Synergy is monitored in a similar bunker buried under thousands of tons of rock, concrete, and steel. Why? Because in case of catastrophic nuclear fall-out, SYNERGY must continue on!

So let’s imagine that KAT and SEA met the ol’RK at the gate and handed over the keys to the “Synergy mountain bunker” and then sped off on their Jeep to go see a movie or whatever. First, I would lock down the facility. As the “NEW” Synergy webmaster, albeit for the day only, I need security. I can’t have locals bugging me or some crazy militants looking to see what the ol’RK is up to.

Second, I would enter the main SYNERGY control room. This is where the magic happens. It is basically, several huge plasma screens and several computer terminals and keyboards almost exactly like the control room in “WAR GAMES”. This is where KAT and SEA monitor SYNERGY and the MESSAGE PIT and also watch old episodes of the “Teletubbies” in between regular viewings of SVT, TB2K and LATG and on occasion they also play games of tic-tac-toe.

Before I get started, I have to first login to the computer system to takeover control of Synergy. Luckily, KAT left me a note on the computer with her credentials.

LOGIN: KAT
PASSWORD: Global thermal nuclear war

SUCCESS! The ol’RK is NOW the big dog, the head cheese, the top banana, the lord of all he surveys, the WEB-MASTER of the official PEARL JAM site…. SYNERGY.

Ok, now that I have control of the site and it’s up and running… next thing, I have to do is place a phone call. I need to call Kelly Curtis, manager of Pearl Jam. Luckily Kelly’s name and number are on the speed-dial setting #3. Speed-dial #1 is Domino’s Pizza. Speed-dial #2 is the Psychic Friends Network…. weird.

So I call Kelly….

KELLY: Hello, Kelly Curtis.
OL’RK: Kelly, yeah, it’s the RUMOR KILLER. I’m running SYNERGY today.
KELLY: Yeah, that’s great, welcome aboard. What can I do for you?
OL’RK: Kelly, bad news for you, good news for me…
KELLY: How’s that?
OL’RK: You know on the cover art for LOST DOGS how’s there’s all those tapes with all the Pearl Jam recording sessions…
KELLY: Yeah, the guys have loads of stuff stored away.
OL’RK: Yeah, when KAT and SEA left their keys to the bunker here… well, they also by accident, left the keys to the vault.
KELLY: You wouldn’t…..
OL’RK: I would… one problem though Kelly. I need the 6-digit password to de-activate the laser beams so I can use the keys to access the vault.
KELLY: Well, I’m not going to tell you that.
OL’RK: Kelly, you disappoint me. I’m afraid you’re forcing my hand here. If you don’t give me the password, I will shut down SYNERGY and in its place post doctored photos of STONE GOSSARD wearing JEFF’s clothes.
KELLY: You can’t do that, you know that STONE hates everything JEFF wears! Jeff doesn’t wear orange, he doesn’t wear blue visors, he doesn’t wear plaid pants!
OL’RK: Yes, I know Kelly. And I know STONE would get mighty P.O. to find that the only content on his band’s official site would be pics of him NOT being the FASHION PLATE we all know him to be. Wearing super long shorts and just a plain shirt…. nothing in the slightest bit resembling something cutting edge or the latest “in” thing in fashion. Sure would be a shame.
KELLY: You can’t do this to us! This is black-mail!
OL’RK: No, Kelly, it’s called EXPLOITING the PROBLEM!
KELLY: Alright, you win, you bastard! I will give you the password…
OL’RK: EXCELLENT… (rubs hands together devilishly)
KELLY: It’s… it’s… it’s….. “Mike McCready is a BADASS MOFO”
OL’RK: I knew it!
KELLY: *grumbles*
OL’RK: Ah hah! Well Kelly, it’s been a hoot, but I have new songs to listen to.
KELLY: No wait, don’t do this.. think of….
**CLICK**

So then I would start picking tapes of the PJ recording sessions and every 20 minutes or so, I would post a new song or an early demo on the new RUMOR KILLER-run SYNERGY for all to enjoy. I’d even take REQUESTS! Then after I’d exhausted all the studio material, I’d hit the motherload… The LIVE ARCHIVE!! Every concert, every performance…. 500+ shows…

Well, there you have it. That’s what I would do in a nutshell if I, the ol’RK, ran SYNERGY for the day.

**PLEASE NOTE – I WANT TO MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR. MY POST HERE IS IN NO WAY MEANT TO CAST ANY NEGATIVE ASPERSIONS ON THE FINE AND WONDERFUL JOB THAT KAT AND SEA DO ON SYNERGY. RUNNING AN OFFICIAL SITE AND MODERATING A VERY ACTIVE MESSAGEBOARD AIN'T EASY WORK!! I WOULD BE DEEPLY SADDENED IF PEOPLE RESPONDED TO THIS THREAD AS AN OPPORTUNITY TO JUST CRITICIZE THE SITE AND OTHER’S WORK. THIS POST WAS MEANT RATHER TO BE A FANCIFUL DAYDREAM OF BEING ABLE TO LIFT THE HEARTS AND SOULS…

OK, I ADMIT IT, I WAS JUST TRYING TO HATCH A SCHEME TO GET TO THOSE RARE SONGS… CAN YOU BLAME ME? SERIOUSLY THOUGH, SIMILAR FANCIFUL OR PLAYFUL THOUGHTS ARE WELCOME, BUT BE RESPECTFUL!!! WELL USUAL SPIEL HERE… THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION. NONE OF THESE EVENTS UNFORTUNATELY HAPPENED, I’VE NEVER SPOKEN TO KELLY CURTIS ON THE PHONE, I’VE NEVER BEEN TO THE SYNERGY MOUNTAIN BUNKER (KINDA LIKE AREA 51, RIGHT?). KAT AND SEA DON’T PLAY FRISBEE, BUT DO LOVE LASER TAG. THE OL’RK IS IN NO WAY, SHAPE, FORM, OR CONTENT AFFILIATED WITH PEARL JAM, ITS MEMBERS, CURTIS MANAGEMENT, THE TEN CLUB, THE RUMOR PIT, SYNERGY, KAT, OR OFTHESEA.

REMEMBER RUMORS CAN BE DEADLY…. BUT ONLY IF YOU BELIEVE THEM!

RUMOR KILLER