rambles

RUMOR KILLER - **HE’S NOT A LEADER, HE’S A RUMOR KILLER!**

RUMOR KILLER reporting for duty….

Hey everybody! Well, the ol’RK must admit, he’s a bit excited and not JUST because there are PJ shows coming up. The ol’RK just so happens to be a politically minded fellow and well this year’s election in the good ol’ US of A happens to be a dandy one. Best part of the whole process though is to watch the political pundits and talking heads blabber on and on like they know what’s going to happen. Best advice to you and yours is to get informed! And with that said, kiddies, well, here ye, here ye, are some informative tidbits in the form of dead rumors that were so recently extinguished.

And while I’m at it….

My name is the RUMOR KILLER and I approve of this message…..

RUMOR #1: “RK, you stoked about this PJ mini-tour? Any chance we will get to hear some new compositions from the boys? – Gerald from Minneapolis, MN”

RUMOR KILLER: “Yes, Gerald, the ol’RK is pretty interested in this little tour. It’s great that PJ is willing to come together for a cause. You know you think of rock bands out there and sure they may do a charity gig for their own personal foundation or whatever, but when a band is not even really together, meaning, on tour or recording an album, but gets together just to tour to promote a cause, I think no matter what your politics are, you have to respect their commitment to their ideals. As for new works? Guess we’ll see, but the ol’RK can’t imagine that band called Pearl Jam won’t whip out something for us all to salivate over until they get their asses into the studio to cut a new album. In fact, if the ol’RK puts his ear to the ground right now, he’s heard of one new PJ song they will do. It’s called “Fooled You”. It was written by Jeff and is about this one time that Jeff went into a 7-11 and went for a slurpee and Jeff wanted the Cola-flavored slushy treat but instead got the lemon-line flavor. He went to the cashier to complain and was met with a rude “Fooled You”. So Jeff wrote the music and lyrics which include the lines “I wanted a slushy treat/clear my aching head/ but when I pulled the lever/ got lemon line instead.” Wow, Jeff is a master craftsman. Can’t wait….”

RUMOR #2: “RUMOR KILLER, my friend, I hear Stone Gossard bought a boat? Details? – Merrill from San Diego, CA”

RUMOR KILLER: “Merrill, yes! Call him the LOVE BOAT CAPTAIN but Stone Gossard has traded in those ridiculous flip-flops for a more refined docksider. And the t-shirts are replaced by a white turtleneck and blue blazer. The powder blue visor is now a Captain’s hat and then well, the plaid pants are…. well, he still has the plaid pants. So you get the picture! But anyway, Stone has recently bought a boat! It’s called the “SS STONY PONEY”. And trust me my friend, it ain’t no luxury yacht and it ain’t no rowboat either. Stone was recently watching the news and with all this talk of John Kerry and his Vietnam tour experience, well, Stone went out and bought himself a SWIFT BOAT. Yes, that’s right! Stone Gossard is NOW a Swift Boat Captain! While Stone has yet to hire a crew aside from Boom being first mate, Stone is definitely pretty stoked and ready to cruise the Seven Seas. But unfortunately, the local dock where the SS STONEY PONEY is docked has been a troublesome spot for Stone recently. You see, there are a few other Swift Boat owners at the dock who have had those type of boats for along time and well they’re a sort of a closed club and look down on this “rock star” who just recently went out and bought this boat, a real novice instead of the veteran Swift Boat that they are. They see him as sort of trespassing on their turf. So these jokers have banded together against Stone at the dock. They’re group is called SWIFT BOAT VETERANS FOR TRUTH ABOUT “MANKIND” HAVING BAD LYRICS. I know, it’s incredible. Now it would be bad enough for the group to be protesting and being against Stone. That would just be uncool. But to take it one level higher and attack one of Stone’s songs and saying it has bad lyrics. WOW, talk about being mean and disrespectful. But then again, “I’ll be… playing with my magazine/ using up my Listerine” is a pretty bad lyric. But in any case, let’s hope they all amicably settle this dispute and Stone gets to enjoy his new SWIFT BOAT. Bon voyage!

Well that’s it for dead rumors for now. But please stay tuned though! Because not only do we have the American Presidential election coming up, but for those of you who were around back in 2000, we also have the TEN CLUB PRESIDENTIAL election coming up this November. Sure, Tim Bierman is and will always be the 10C manager. But he’s the power behind the throne. As many of you remember, the ol’RK lost his bid to be the 10C President when he lost a highly contested battle with a pair of STONE’s PLAID PANTS. Yes, losing an election to a pair of clothing was embarrassing even though STONE’s PLAID PANTS are pretty cool looking. But I’ve healed from those wounds and the Florida re-count debacle where I continue to contend many Ten Club members who were trying to vote for the ol’RK were intimidated to vote for other third party candidates for fear that their PJ sock orders would be cancelled. Well in ’04, the ol’RK is back in the race and is determined to win. The ol’RK is on the campaign trail as we speak and will be coming to you soon to talk about the REAL work that the TEN CLUB needs to be doing for you. Like finally selling all of those “Place/Date” books which have been in the Ten Club store for nearly a decade. Also, how long do Ten Club members have to wait till we get a proper Mike McCready t-shirt? Plus, why no Boom wigs? Remember ol’RK in ’04 is a-OK!

**PLEASE NOTE – AS HUMOROUS AND AMUSING AS THE OL’RK’S DIATRIBES MAY BE THEY ARE UNFORUNATELY NOT TO BE CONSTRUED AS FACT OR IN ANY WAY TAKEN TO BE ANYTHING BUT ENTERTAINING, THEY ARE IN NO WAY, SHAPE, FORM, OR CONTENT AFFILIATED WITH PEARL JAM, ITS MEMBERS, CURTIS MANAGEMENT, SONY, EPIC RECORDS, WHATEVER RECORD LABELS MIGHT DISTRIBUTE THEIR MUSIC IN THE FUTURE, THE TEN CUB, THE RUMOR PIT, SYNERGY, KAT, OR OFTHESEA EXCEPT HE’S GATHERING SOME SWIFT BOAT VETS TO AIR COMMERCIALS AGAINIST RUMORS TO HELP THEM ALL!!**

REMEMBER, RUMORS CAN BE DEADLY…. BUT ONLY IF YOU BELIEVE THEM!

RUMOR KILLER