rambles

ToriJam - Backstage at East Troy, Wisconsin?

From the upcoming, official unauthorized Pearl Jam biography, "OK, Hell Has Frozen Over, Can We Go Back to Seattle Now?" The Binaural express rolled into East Troy, Wisc., under the terrible conditions for an outdoor show. The boys and audience gamely braved on, which made for one of the more unusual scenes backstage of the tour. (NOTE: The circumstances may have led to an increase in salty language - but that's mostly been tamed down for other chapters in this story, and is kept here because it's an integral part of the day.) Let's take a peek, picking up the action at the first break.

MATT: (racing over to a space heater) That is the LAST time I play strip poker before a show.
STONE: Maybe you shouldn't just do it before a show at which the temp. is 28 degrees.
MIKE: (whipping his scarf around his face) Worked for me.
MATT: I can't believe it. The guy least prepared for the tour - with just a leather jacket, a pair of jeans, three pairs of underwear...
MIKE: It's two now. I lost a pair in Toronto.
STONE: (giving him the eye) You lost it or you gave it away?
JEFF: (teasingly) Ooooooooooooooh. Mikey likes Canadian chicks.
MIKE: I think the maid took them.
STONE: That's what they all say.
MATT: (irritated, mostly because he's cold) HEY!!! Talking!! I'm talking!
MIKE: Do you hear something?
JEFF: Seniority!
STONE: You will not speak until you're addressed, young man.
MATT: Oh great. Now I'm taking advice from a guy in a cap knitted by his grandmother.
STONE: Hey! Don't mess with Granny Gossard or she'll "knit one pearl your two" if you know what I mean.
JEFF: It's not a pretty sight.
MATT: I'll give you my La's record if you give me the hat.
STONE: No way, Granny said she'd kick my ass if I didn't wear the hat.
MATT: Granny's boy.
STONE: You know it.
JEFF: A warm granny's boy at that. Where's Ed?
MIKE: I think he was trying that thing with his tongue and a steel beam?
STONE: Remember the glory days when he just climbed them?
JEFF: Yep.
MIKE: Wait, I got an idea!
STONE: Really?
MIKE: I think better in cold weather.
JEFF: OK, fire away.
MIKE: We give Ed a "Let Nader Debate" sign to play with and he'll stop trying to french the metal beam.
The trio of band members contemplate for a second, then all glance at each other, then...
JEFF: Brilliant!
MATT: That'll work.
STONE: Fucking genius. That's it. We're recording the next record in the winter, Mikey.
MIKE's scarf can not hide the telltale shit-eating grin he has on his face.
MIKE: Can I do the lettering?
STONE: Yes. Just spell Nader right, OK? It's not "nadir."
MIKE: I told you, I just ACCIDENTALLY spelled my name wrong in that autograph.
JEFF: Keep sticking to that story, man.
STONE: Go. Write.
MIKE skips away with a roadie.
MATT: So why don't you look cold at all, Jeff?
JEFF: (skipping rope without the rope) It's a body temperature thing. I refuse to allow myself to be cold.
MATT: An interesting theory.
STONE: Sort of convincing himself that he wants to be true.
JEFF: Don't believe me?
MATT/STONE: No.
JEFF: (Lifts his arms) Grab an arm.
MATT looks at him like "no way." STONE looks wary.
JEFF: I might go back out there in just a tank top.
STONE: Kelly already said he won't let you.
JEFF: Kelly is not my keeper.
MATT: Actually he is.
JEFF: He can't stop me from doing it once I get out there.
STONE: I think the threat of imminent punishment will be enough.
JEFF: He's not gonna call my mom again!!!
STONE: I wouldn't put it past him.
JEFF: Damn.
MATT: I'm telling him you said that. He's keeping a curse count for her.
JEFF: Fuck!
MATT voices the drum riff for "Another One Bites the Dust."
EDDIE traipses in. He's singing something, but it's inaudible because his lips are blue and puffed out.
EDDIE: Guyz, you gobba tryyyy dis!!
MATT: Is this like when he told you to try climbing the amp stacks?
STONE: Pretty much exactly like that.
EDDIE: Sowwwry aboot Oceans. I though they wuz gonna freeeeeze over while I was singin eet.
STONE: (can't hold back a smile) No prob, man. It's not actually ideal conditions out there for anything but boarding.
EDDIE: Nice Even Flow pogo.
STONE: I don't think I'll be doing that again soon. I got a real brain rush at the end of that.
EDDIE: I know the feeling. You don't think anyone saw me fall over at the end of "Jeremy," do you?
STONE: Oh hell no. (MATT rolls his eyes.)
MIKE: (racing in with the sign) Look what I got for you, big fella!!
EDDIE: Whoa, dude. Righteous!!! Let's go!!!
MATT and STONE shake their heads and follow their juiced lead singer and guitarist out. When they're out of sight, JEFF does a round-off doublebackhandspring with a full twist.
JEFF: (looking around to make sure they're gone) Who the fuckin' hell needs a shittin' space heater?